It's too near...

Hello everyone,

Wow. Well. I am defiantly not in a very good mood at the moment so bear with me. I was going to tell you all about how I had worked with Jessica Brown yesterday morning, and how I went with Krista to Hot Springs and met her awesome friend Amy. And how today me, Krista, and Mandy all went to Pine Bluff and saw Kiley's house and went for Mexican and drove around the ghetto town. And how today MaryDell brought in a disgusting bug that resembled a monster. And I freaked out and when Krista got home she even freaked out and didn't know what it was. It's skin was like human skin but dark brown with black markings like a snack. And it had nubs as if a caterpillar, and a point on one end. And I was going to talk about how the stupid cat just brought in another insect, which Krista told me was a cricket, so we locked the doggie door. But I'm not going to talk about any of that because I am getting way too emotional and worked up. 

I just sat here crying trying my hardest to be silent because Krista is in bed. But I am going home. I am going back to real life. I am going back to my day planner and scheduales and trying to see everyone and do everything and be everywhere. I am going back. And it's been a nice break from reality but my reality is hitting me again. Two more sleeps. Two more sleeps. I can't believe it. In less then 78 hours I will in my room. With my bed. My own bed that I bought and picked out. My own bathroom. All of my clothes. My family. My computer. My city. My country as a matter of fact.

I don't think I'm ready. I can't be ready if even the fact that 5 different people asked me to hang out on the night that I get home is overwhelming and upsetting to me. Don't take that the wrong way if your one of the people, it's extremly nice, and I've missed everyone dearly, but I think I am not ready. 

I have yet to learn how to make new friends yet keep my old ones. And there are a few people that I have talked to a lot more since being here whom I want to get to know better, face to face. I have a million ideas of things I want to do, and hobbies I want to take up, and activities and programs I'd love to join. But I can't. Because I know I can't fit it all in. 

I've realized since being here, that when I've been the most sick this year is because of stress. And I think the way I deal with stress is that I take it and get physically sick by it. Even this week, here, I haven't been sleeping very well. Maybe 3 to 4 hours a night. And I'm stressed. About coming home. 

It's been nice being away and reflecting on my life and realizing things that I want to take out of my life, and people who need to be removed from my life, and people that I want and need more in it, and things I need to do more, and just learning from situations, and who I am. Now, it's a matter of taking everything I've learned, and actually putting it in my real life. And that's what it comes down to. My real life.

This feels like a huge step for me at the moment. And it may seem minor to some of you, and you may be thinking jeez drama queen, but I knew from the start that when I returned either I or everything else would be different. And that this would be a point in my life where things would change. And I've learned that things in me have changed. Even if minor, things have changed. And I don't want to be stressed and panicked about coming home. 

I think it's enivitable that I was going to cry before I left though. I am leaving my friends and my family down here in Arkansas. I am leaving the life that I've had for the last five and a half weeks. And tomorrow is going to be a really big day for me, in so many ways. And I am starting to feel it. I suppose that will make more sense to the majority of you later when I get home.

Well all this to say that I am feeling a little overwhelmed and kinda scared to come home. I hope I'm ready. If there is even a thing called "ready" when it comes to decisions and steps in your life. I think sometimes it just happens, and you have to be like water and be able to move and mold and go literally with the flow.

I am excited to see my family and friends and get back to church, I am just sad and overwhelmed by it all at the moment. Hope no one took it the wrong way. 

Anyways, I love you all. Thank you so much for readying my blog while I've been away. It means a lot. 

Goodnight,

xoxo

Ruth Natasha Stewart