All of You

You were my first love, the one that I couldn’t believe would love me. You gave me butterflies and made me feel beautiful…but then she was there, and in my desperation to keep you loving me I gave bits of myself to hold you close. Even after all these years, even through the distance, I still do things for your approval, or to prove something to myself. I still miss you often.

You were older, and alluring… you said you couldn’t offer me anything but a physical relationship, yet you wouldn’t let me go. It wasn’t fair, you knew that hold you had on girls who were younger than you. I was old for my age, but I was still young. Too young.

You manipulated me. You made me feel special because you opened up to me and told me so much. Telling me about the other girls made me feel like I got to know a secret side of you. It took until now to realize that was just another form of manipulating me… it’s embarrassing to think about how I was the secret to the others. The whole thing is embarrassing. Too much wasted time. Too much wasted energy. Too much heartbreak. I would take it all back if I could.

You were a different person in person. I didn’t know you like I thought I did. You like the others opened up to me so much and maybe that is why you liked me because you could talk to me. But you were never fully honest with me. I think I was more happy with the attention I got from you, to notice that I didn’t know you at all. It wasn’t real. That’s why we both moved on so fast.

You broke my heart. You were who I could see myself with. I would have moved for you. I would have literally given up my life as I know it, and started new just to be with you. You made me so happy, you seemed to care so much and understand me so much, but it was all one sided in the end. I still think you lied to me, and didn’t want to admit your feelings because of the distance. I gave you too much of me, and for nothing. I still try to block you from my head because I can’t think about it too much without getting upset.

You loved me and I didn’t feel the same. I tried to change how I felt for you so you wouldn’t feel how I’ve felt time and time again. I tried to not let what others said to sway my decision to be with you, I tried to not act like I was better than you. I tried. But it was too much. It was all too much. I’m sorry I disappointed you so much. I should never have let anything happen in the first place. It was a mistake.

We were never right for each other. We had nothing in common, we don’t want the same things, it just wouldn’t work. I couldn’t allow myself to even try to let it work. I can’t be what you need/want. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t push themselves. I can’t be with someone who feels negative more than positive. I need someone who pushes me, and I can’t always be the one pushing you. You are a dear friend, and I don’t know how to keep it that way.

I thought I could make it work. I honestly thought I could put myself through hell to make it work. I gave so much of myself and my dignity to be with you. I took all the negative things you thought about me and tried to change for you. I didn’t understand how you loved me and yet disliked so much about me. I hated being compared all the time to those who hurt you. I hated that my love for you didn’t change anything. That you didn’t feel worthy enough to have one good thing in your life. All the broken promises, all the dramatic statements of praise, all words and no action. I hated fighting with you. I hated that I just wanted you to let go of so much so we could be happy. That my patience and willingness wasn’t enough. I hate that I so badly didn’t want you to be like all the others.