Sometimes it feels like my life goes through these bi-weekly cycles, of being 'in demand' and so extremely busy that I get completely overwhelmed, to feeling totally alone.
Like tonight. It's like I get this, the air is caught in the back of my throat feeling that I am utterly alone. And I go through my contacts on my cell phone and there isn't one person in there that I feel drawn to, or connected to.
It's a strange feeling when you feel friendless, unloved or unwanted.
There is never just one thing either that makes me feel like this, feel so worthless. There is always a giant list.
Maybe it's all the negative things that people tell me about myself that I let for a few moments suck me down, and then let everything else build up a giant ball of negativity in my head.
There are so many things that I wish I could just have a switch to turn off about myself to make myself a better person, and feel worthy of any one's love. But it's never that easy. I guess its like that movie "What about Bob?", with the whole idea of 'baby steps'.
I try to be a positive person, but maybe that person was right who said I always look at the negative in everything, that I'm a drama queen, too opinionated, rude and can't tell my own tone of voice.
Too bad it seems like the bad in people is always more pointed out than the good. Too bad people don't notice all the times you try your hardest to not be the things you hate about yourself. Too bad no one will ever live up to any one's expectations. Too bad running away doesn't solve anything.
You'd think with moving as many times in my life, I'd learn to deal with loneliness.
Adios,
Ruth's over thinking brain
xo
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