How do you know?

My goodness darling followers,

Why must my love life be such a roller coaster? You would think after taking a year long break from dating I'd have gained some sort of stability. Apparently this was a false notion on my part. Don't get me wrong, taking this lovely break has taught me to listen to my red flags, and decide who really isn't worth my time and listen to my gut when I know something isn't right deep down. Without fail, after saying buh bye to these crazy men, their true selves would always reveal true. Thankfully I haven't dated any. Just got to know them, and before taking the plunge, ran the other way. The sad thing, these 'crazies' did what every girl wants right - to be pursued, to have a guy stick by for a time and pine away for your heart. I said to my sister the other day "I just wish there was a guy out there who REALLY wanted me. Who would do anything to be with me." And then we both paused, and I had to add, "that I also want". That's the thing. How do you REALLY know? I've come to realize that I also give guys a chance. I think to myself "well he seems nice. I should get to know him, not just slap him down." But then I end up in the most ridiculous, couldn't even be written in a movie script, situations and I stand back and wonder, "how did I just get myself into this situation?"

I've recently learned that two of my exes are of recent either engaged or in the process of proposing, and I'm sincerely happy for them. The one I think, "well I sure hope he treats her better than he treated me"... and the other, "I sure hope she can handle an extremely needy guy." I suppose needy is good if you truly care for the person. I'm not sure. I just want something more. I need mutual respect. Communication. Attractive.

This is a big mumble of thoughts, so bear with me if it's not really make sense. Just ... have you met that person who just makes you want to be better? To try new things, and strive to live a deeper meaningful life? As of late, I have. But mutual connection doesn't seem to be a strong enough glue in this situation. I don't know why boys fall for me that I don't want, and the boys I fall for don't want me. As humans we don't want to purposefully put ourselves in situations that we know will be hard or painful, but I'd rather try then never know. I don't believe in coincidences, I think things happen for a reason, and people meet for a reason, and there is purpose and meaning. I can't wait for the right man to come into my life who sees me as an equal, not better or worse than them. Someone who can see eye to eye with me, and isn't intimidated by my straight forward personality. I either meet men who just say yes always to me, or men who fight me tooth and nail. Why can't there be balance? I'm honestly content in life to be single, but it appears my heart can't get a break lately. I'm getting so tired of men, and I need to learn a balance between opening my heart to guys to give them a chance. I just want to know the secret, the key if you will. How do I know when to let them in? How long do you make a guy work for your affection? Do men really chase after girls if they are interested? I feel as though this is a mystical myth - they must all be in a far off land with leprechauns and unicorns.

Pondering me,

xoxo